It’s  interesting (for lack of a better word) to know that someone you used to be in a relationship with truly feels like you are the one who got away. I know that if I even mouthed the words let’s give this another shot, I would get zero resistance. I don’t do reruns. But I do like the validation of knowing I wasn’t the crazy one after all:-).

Just reminiscing a bit today people. I can truly say the past is the past, and I am SO grateful to be standing in the spot I am in today. Thank you Jesus for Grace.

Am I the only one who is apprehensive about saying: “I’m so happy” for fear that something unimaginable and dreadful will happen?  No?  Just me…figures.

I did something really scary recently.  I released fear and expectations.  I released the fear of the unknown.  Fall 2011 I started to get anxious…biological ticking and all that jazz (and that’s even with me not being 100 percent about wanting kids of my own). I was also slightly depressed about how long it had been since I was in a meaningful, “reciprocal” relationship.  I had been in “relationships…” bad ones, hurtful ones where I gave 150% and was satisfied with a 25% effort in return.  I was giving each boy man all kinds of second chances and benefit of the doubt.  Ridiculous.  Fortunately I woke up and got a clue.  And as a result, I purged.  I released the fear of being alone.  I embraced the blessings that I do have—friends who love me unconditionally.  Great men and women of faith who support me and always have my back…and will share their opinion (sometimes unsolicited) when they think I need to be made aware of something.

Although, I walk through life with a spirit of expectancy (I expect good things, simply put); I’m making a conscious effort, when it comes to relationships, to stop planning ahead and just “enjoy” the moment.  Our lives consist of millions of “moments.” Those moments are what make life special.  Currently, I am enjoying the company of a friend.  He makes me laugh. He gets me (well, he almost gets me, I don’t think he fully understands the extent of my Elmo obsession, but that’s a post for another day). Have we put a label on our relationship?  Nope.  Am I technically still single? Yep.  Are we dating? Depends on your definition.  What I do know is this…I like being in the moment.  I like not having to wonder about the what if’s.  I love knowing that for the first time in a very long time, our feelings are reciprocal.  The give and take is equal.  He cares about me just as much as I care about him.  That feels really good.

So the point of today’s post? I’m happy.  I have no idea what the future holds, but I’m happy…and that’s all that matters in this moment.

Friend: one attached to another by affection or esteem (Webster)

For me, the same things that are attractive to me in a romantic sense are the same things that make me want to spend time with my platonic males friends–minus one important factor: I don’t desire them sexually. That’s not to say that I don’t find my boys attractive ( I roll with some cute dudes) but I’m not interested in them in that way.  There’s also the ambigious “Friends w/Benefits” (also known as “Buddies”) category.  Those are the friends who you are interested in sexually, but you don’t want to pursue anything deeper past friendly activities and sex.  I don’t believe in having Buddies; those are often messy situations.  No matter how clear you are in the beginning about boundaries and intentions, the message always gets twisted, one person catches feelings and the whole thing blows up.  My advice–avoid at all cost. It’s not healthy for you physically, emotionally or spiritually. 

Example A- Buddy

Example B-Just Friends

Okay so back to the friend thing.  Why do you think it’s so hard for men and women to be friends?  Is it because people just don’t understand what true friendship is?  I’m curious to hear your thoughts?  If you are in Charlotte on March 19th, Join us for the Barbershop and Beauty Salon Confessions: Relationship Chat & Chews, this will be one of our topics.

I am proud to say that I have been a Red Pump Ambassador since the movement began (click here for some  history on The Red Pump Project).  We work online and on the ground promoting awareness and education about HIV/AIDS and the issues surrounding it, particularly as it is applicable to women and girls.  The red shoe is a symbol of empowerment and strength as we fight the AIDS epidemic with knowledge.  I’m often asked why I ROCK THE RED PUMP…check out the stats below, and the reason should be crystal clear:

speaking to the crowd at the 2010 Red Pump/Red Tie Affair

• Leading cause of death for Black women (including African American women) aged 25–34 years.
• 3rd leading cause of death for Black women aged 35–44 years
• 4th leading cause of death for Black women aged 45–54 years
• 4th leading cause of death for Latina women aged 35–44 years
• The only diseases causing more deaths of women are cancer and heart disease
• The rate of AIDS diagnosis for Black women was approximately 23 times the rate for white women and 4 times the rate for Latina women
• In 2006, teen girls represented 39% of AIDS cases reported among 13–19 year-olds. Black teens represented 69% of cases reported among 13–19 year-olds; Latino teens represented 19%.

These statistics were from The Center for Disease Control’s website and the Kaiser Family Foundation’s Fact Sheets (which cited the CDC). You can get more information about the effect of the epidemic from these sites. This was originally posted on The Red Pump Project’s website.  To learn more about what we are doing in Charlotte on March 10 to commemorate National Women and Girls HIV/AIDS Awareness Day, visit www.carolinarain.org

__________________________________________________________________________

If you’re over twenty, chances are, you’ve been in a few relationships. Often trends begin to develop in your dating life. Do you keep dating jealous people or “crazy psychos”? Or are you always with people who end up using you financially? Is cheating a trend that keeps coming up in your dating life? Whatever the thing is that keeps happening is beside the point, the real question is…why does this keep happening?

Sadly, the common denominator…is you.

When drama follows you from one relationship to another, it’s not a coincidence. It’s you. That may be hard to hear, but it’s true. Here’s how to change things so you can finally be rid of the negative trends in your dating life.

First off, make a list of why your past relationships ended. Was it jealousy? Cheating or money? Was it a communication breakdown? I had a friend who found that every relationship ended with small talk, as in, that’s all her and her boyfriend could have.

To help with problems like that, take a look at your list. Find the trend, or trends that keep popping up and then think back to your parents relationship. We learn by example and often times if our dad was a cheater, we’ll either end up dating cheaters or become ones ourselves (same goes for jealousy, physical abuse, etc.). To stop this, it’s usually helpful to write out your parents’ relationship, how it effected you and how that style of relationship may have made them happy.

Often our romantic relationships end up reflecting the relationships we have with our own parents. Such as with my friend who had the “small talk” problem. It turns out a big trend with her and her parents was not talking about important issues. Seems her mom would overreact to anything topic of a sensitive nature and her father would berate her for “rocking the boat”. So she learned to keep her feelings and problems to herself.

Unfortunately in dating, this isn’t a very good strategy. Her relationships would start off good, but once the dating hit a rocky patch (as happens in most relationships) she would end up not communicating and shutting down emotionally.

How did she stop doing this? First, she took a little time off from dating and started working out her issues with a therapist. Much of what she learned in therapy was how to express her needs and voice her concerns in relationships. She also sought out parental role models that she could have meaningful conversations with. For her it was her grandmother, but for someone else it could be a professor, an older work colleague or even the parent of a friend.

If you’ve taken a look at your parents relationship and your own relationship with your parents and don’t find any similarities with them there is another approach you can take.

Be honest…what are you getting out of the drama? If you’re always dating people who are jealous, do you get a small charge out of knowing someone is obsessing over you? If you always end up with people who you have to financially support, do you enjoy having the upper hand and slightly higher status in the relationship?

We all get things out of our relationships but sometimes it’s a double edged sword. Sometimes just being aware about what you get out of a certain pattern can be enough to avoid people who might perpetuate it. Other times you have to do more, like asking your friends to give you a heads up if you’re falling for your usual “crazy psycho” again. The key to stopping any sort of pattern is awareness. Going into a relationship with your eyes open is always a good idea. Good luck with dating!

Denise Hawk is a regular contributor to firstkissconnections.com

I’ve been blessed to have some super incredible male friends. And while, I may not be in an exclusive relationship with any one of them (although there is one very strong contender, you know who you are), my interactions with these men are shining examples of how I know I want to be treated. They keep me honest. They make me laugh. Most of all, they tell me the truth. For that, I’m grateful.

And because these men mean the world to me, I’m posting a music tribute. Enjoy!

Fellas, I Love you! Happy Valentine’s Day!

___________________________

Faith is the antidote to fear.  It works to both protect and push you toward the brighter life you can have.  Fear is the poison that binds you to past pains. What do you do when you are afraid? Do you cower in a corner? Run toward safety? Look for an escape? Or do you freeze?

Fear is learned.  It comes from bad memories, a reminder of hurts experienced once before.  Fear is this uncanny thing that kicks in our most innate fight or flight senses.  Being able to react to fear is great for survival.  However, most of us want to go above and beyond merely surviving.  We want to thrive.

In the relationship realm, we rarely call the feelings that we have “fear”.  No.  It is “intuition”, “suspicions”, a “sixth sense” or “being perceptive”.   All of those things are wonderful, except when the situation does not warrant them.

If you are dealing with an upstanding person, the worst thing you can do is give into your “intuition”.  It will have you going through phones, checking Facebook pages, and questioning every move and motive of your mate. There is nothing appealing about being in a relationship with a private eye who only has one case to his or her name…and that case is turning the relationship upside down until everything falls apart.  Who wants to grow in love with a snoop?

Fear also has a paralyzing effect.  It continuously whispers in your ear all the bad things of your past.  People don’t change…he’s just like the last one…Remember you do not want to be hurt again.  So you carry the fear of past experiences into your present.  You cannot move forward because you have never dealt with the pains of your past. Fear can immobilize you. 

Fear blocks the bad AND the good.  Fear causes your defense mechanisms to kick in.  You have a wall of protection around you, so that no bad can come near you.  However, the same wall keeps all good out as well.

Faith operates in the opposite direction of fear with the same good results but none of the bad.  Faith comes through learning from the past that no matter what comes your way, you will be okay.  Faith is built through trials, and sustained by your endurance. 

Faith allows you to open up to be understood and to see others clearly without the muck of the past clouding your vision.  Faith allows you to trust earnestly without being blocked by insecurities. Faith is not in the other person, per se.  It is in the knowledge that God will see you through any circumstance.

Faith does not lead you to being foolish; it opens you to becoming more aware.  Faith gives the benefit of the doubt.  Faith protects your heart while easing your mind. Faith provides you stability and security.  There is nothing you can go through that will change that, once you have even the smallest amount of faith. 

With faith, you don’t have to worry about what a person will do to you.  You can actually enjoy the relationship and build a solid foundation.  Snooping will never cross your mind.  Fear of being hurt will vanish.  Intuition will pour out all the senses to finally realize and feel the love and security that is possible.

Faith gives you a hedge of protection, but opens a pathway to your heart. 

CM Writer is an attorney and blogger. CM created Your Boyfriend’s Best Girlfriend Blog to showcase her close friendships with men. CM sprinkles her blog with her spiritual upbringing, southern sass, and prissy-nerdy-tomboy charm.

A bi-weekly Chat & Chew to discuss relationships in and open, honest, and uncensored environment. Come join us to talk about RELATIONSHIPS in a friendly and mature setting. Similar to a Barbershop or Hair Salon, nothing is off limits!

Tickets are $10 and a portion of the proceeds will be donated to benefit The Red Pump Project-Charlotte to provide HIV/AIDS awareness and education. 

Voice your opinion, enjoy light fare, drink specials, network with new people and support a good cause all at once. See you there! Please register and purchase your ticket here.

Feb. 20th Topic

Why Am I Going In Circles? Relationship tips on dating and friendships. How to recognize a great friend or a great lover? Discuss how men and women can identify the differences and build  healthy relationships.

 Our Special Guest Facilitator: CM Writer (Attorney, Author, Speaker, Columnist, and Relationship Blogger)

Red Pump Charlotte is fueled up for a very active 2012, and we need your help in ensuring a successful year!  This will be a casual networking exprience in a social atmosphere. While you’re there, you’ll have the opportunity to:

• Meet the Red Pump Charlotte Ambassadors
  
• Learn how you can get involved with The Red Pump Project
  
• Learn more about our 2012 programming and chosen beneficiary
• Share your ideas on where you would like to see Red Pump Charlotte involved
  

If you’re interested in getting involved with The Red Pump Project, meet us at HBAR!

As always, Red Pumps and Red Ties are highly encouraged!  Please Register for this free event at http://meetredpumpcharlotte.eventbrite.com

Here’s the list, in no particular order…

Denzel Washington

Yes, Denzel is almost old enough to be my father…but I’m saying, there needs to be a law against just how much ‘swag” one man can possess. Like a fine wine.

Channing Tatum

Not sure what it is about him.  Classic American looks maybe?  Not sure, but I love to see him, well, do anything on screen. Loved him in the movie Fighting.

Jesse Williams

He’s beautiful.  Those eyes. That’s all. I’m already a Grey’s Anatomy fan, this just sealed the deal.

LL Cool J

Once I figure out where LL’s fountain of youth is located, I’m going there. He’s an intelligent business man, talented and is a dedicated husband and father.  What’s not to like?

Idris Elba

My knees go weak just mentioning the name, looking at a photo or hearing that GORGEOUS accent.  I’m determined to have him DJ one of my events just so I can look at him (yeah, I said it).

Common

I have been infatuated with Common since his first album…and even more attracted after learning some key facts: He’s a Christian, well-educated and a vegan (or strict vegetarian, either way I’ll take it). A man who loves the Lord and eats how I eat, YES!

Matthew McConaughey

A country boy with soul.  Love it.

Lenny Kravitz

He’s the quintessential rock star.  AND the only man who gets a free pass to wear skinny jeans.

 Joe Manganiello

I’ve watched True Blood since the series began, he’s the reason why I continued to watch when he joined the cast. He’s also done some non-profit work and supports the fight against HIV/AIDS.

Tyson Beckford

I have had a crush on Tyson since the first time I saw his photo.  He’s a super model for sure, but there’s also a delicate yet rugged quality about him.  And I also love chocolate skin.

Note: copyrights belong to the respective owners of all photos. Posting does not constitute ownership of any images.